Noble Pig

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Things I Learned While On Vacation…

If there is someone in a restaurant with an eye patch on (for medical reasons) my youngest hooligan will run over and exuberantly ask them why they are dressed like a pirate.

If you order a stack of pancakes for dinner it reduces the urge for a sweet dessert, therefore saving lots of calories, RIGHT? RIGHT?

If you buy a pair of shorts on vacation with an elastic waistband because you ate too many stacks of pancakes, you no longer feel like you are over-eating.  Really this works.

My next car will have to be a truck, with some sort of crew cab, diesel, off-road, F350, long bed, 4 x 4 dulie, GIANT; I would never be caught dead driving that kind of truck!

When I take my kids away from home which includes their daily diet, they become immediately constipated.  This leads to excruciatingly long periods of time spent in EVERY restaurant we visit.  The minute food hits their lips, the urge to poop rabbit turds is immediate.  I kid you not, I have seen every bathroom from here to there for longer periods of time than I ever wanted too.

If you step on a Yellowjacket’s nest, it really pisses off the inhabitants.

I almost pass out every time I see a snake slithering around on my land.  The acreage is not big enough for the two of us.  This also includes the cougars, black bear, elk and deer who live there too.  I need a very big fence.

When you bring home two cases of wine and try to fit them into an already overly packed car, this really, really annoys your husband.

It’s so good to be home.

Comments

  1. I think every restaurant owner should travel with a pack of kids, then he will definitely know how his average customer sees his place.This might actually encourage rest rooms with toilets we don’t cringe too much about our kids using. Well, hoping this is not too much info., I think your kids are typical of most travelers regarding their intestinal travel routines.

    What, too much wine for the Wild Boar ? Just more excuses for some of your recipes and wine pairings we hope. KathyB.

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  2. i never leave home without my elastic-banded britches. 🙂
    your constipation comment cracked me up. i should say it’s cracking me up, because i’m still chuckling. just bear in mind, they’re probably more miserable than you… 🙂

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  5. PIRATES! I woke up my husband in the next room, I had such an explosive laugh on that one. My daughter once asked a woman at McDonald’s (clue #1) why she was so so so so so so fat.

    Rabbit turds. You are hilarious. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Fabric stores used to have a similar effect on the same daughter, during her diaper period; she’d disappear underneath a table of fabric, and then.. then.. then the smell. We never had to suffer through constipation with her; a trip to the fabric store seemed to fix it.

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  8. Welcome to the country, with all those critters. Be careful with those yellow jackets, they WILL attack!
    What’s wrong with the truck, it’s almost exactly what I drive, F250. Necessity,yes, but I always liked trucks anyway. Not the duly part, though, it’s too much to worry about when turning corners. The fenders wouldn’t last long with me. tee hee

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  11. I don’t know why, but traveling almost always makes me constipated. Maybe it is my fear of pooping in unfamiliar places or where there is only the privacy of a stall rather than an entire bathroom to myself. That was probably TMI.

    Have you learned what (if any) types of venomous snakes live in that area? You really should learn about it. We have a lot of copperheads on our land, but thankfully no other venomous snakes. Copperheads are the least dangerous of the venomous snakes in North America. They’re bite is rarely deadly–except to farm cats. I’ve heard that there are rattlesnakes on the *other* side of the river–but I wonder about that. Why wouldn’t we ever see any over here? Anyway, we taught the kids how to spot them early on and how to watch where they are stepping, be careful to wear close toed shoes, etc. If we see a copperhead, we’ll kill it, but the other snakes are okay. All snakes have a place in the ecosystem and often help keep the rodent population in check. We don’t purposely hunt for copperheads either, but if they cross our path, that means they are in our territory where kids and animals could be hurt by them and they must go.

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  13. One of my girls always will start her meal at a restaurant and say I’m not hungry than will go in the bathroom and poop and come out and finish all of our food. We try not to think about it.
    I’m glad you made it home safety. Nothing feels as good as your own bed or toilet.
    Thanks for taking us on vacation with you.

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  14. Our pickup doesn’t have the long bed. Other than that….I think you may have described our truck. Welcome to living in the country! Mostly ours sits in the driveway but there are times you really need a 4×4 truck when you live in the sticks.

    Regarding the bathroom habits of your boys…I have the same problem whem I travel. I have learned to drink a big glass of apple juice the first day-and that’s all I’ll say about THAT!

    Yellowjacket stings are AWFUL. I hope you all ran like the wind and escaped getting stung.

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  17. Oh, Grace – I don’t even OWN anything except elastic-banded britches. It’s one of the privileges of old age. LOL.

    So…when are you moving, Cathy? Maybe you’ve told us before, but I’ve come late to the party. How about an overview of the Big Plan for us newbies?

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  18. There is not enough room in the state of NJ for me and any snakes – shivers violently just thinking of thems. Boxes of wine = RESEARCH! You want to be prepared, right?

    Regardless of where I go on vacation, there comes a time when it’s time to go home, and everything after that is geared to getting home as soon as possible. It just gets to be enough.

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  20. You made an idea light go off in my head. If I’m going to really lose weight, I need to get rid of my elastic pants. Brilliant. I accidently stepped on a yellow jacket in the yard and paid dearly for it. Stay away from those things. You’ve started my day with a great big laugh. I agreed with everything you said. Been there too many times. Now with grandkids. Jancd

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  21. Ha ha ha… you are so funny, I had to read your blog this morning right away! now I have to run, it’s my daughters first day back to school in her new neighborhood! Thanks for the laugh! ha ha ha! Somehow I don’t picture you in a big truck… it really doesn’t suit the picture that I’ve seen of you.

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  22. Sounds like you had fun! Thank you for a post that gave me a good laugh.
    You might want to try bringing medjool dates along with you next time. Give the kids 1 or 2 a day (at a more convenient time than right at meal time in a restaurant) and it should help. They are dried so they keep really well. A tablespoon of whole flax seeds would be good too – although you would need some refrigeration for those so bring a cooler maybe. 🙂

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  23. Is it revealing too much to say that juvenile digestive shifts of the more fluid variety are unpleasant as well?

    We’ve get to experience the tiny travel turds…although I’ve likely just hexed us…

    Welcome home!

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  24. Why are you dressed like a pirate? That is the best thing ever.

    My daughter becomes constipated WHENEVER we go away. This was all sorts of fun when she went away on a class trip for 4 days…

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  25. Welcome home! Good to be home eh? But oh the memories you made …….rabbit turds, elastic, wildlife and wine.

    Snakes……if St. Patrick could drive the snakes from Ireland, so can you, believe , believe, believe!

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  27. WOW – too funny! I loved the other’s comments here…

    Somethings I have learned from the Noble Pig’s Latest Post:

    1.Always take pants, skirts and shorts with elastic waists whenever traveling away from home.
    2. Have more patience with parents and their children while going potty in strange places – they are having a hard time moving about away from home.
    3. Must leave space in back of jeep for wine that will be bought at Noble Pigs farm and for husband to still have room in car to sit comfortably.
    4.Learn how to become a snake charmer, animal tracker.
    5. Have an emergency sting and anti-venom kit handy at all times.
    6. Wine is still very good for you despite any bickering that may occur between two loved ones.
    7. Ask for extra butter when ordering pancakes to ensure elastic waists are working.
    8. And make sure to never ask a pirate which ship they are from.

    😛 Leah

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  29. All true. Especially the constipated part. I remember as kids we used to get constipated when we were away from home.

    I have a surprise for you over at my site. Take a look.

    Love reading your blog.

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  30. I like your youngest kid already 🙂

    Oh the pancakes definitely reduce the calories from having dessert too 🙂

    I take a 1,000 mg. buffered 12 hour time-release Vitamin C every day in the morning – and it, uh, helps from being constipated. Maybe ask yuor pediatrician if that would be safe for your kids to take…

    I shudder to think of the yellowjacket stings from that. OUCH !!!!!!!

    Hmmm. Snakes creep me out, agree with you. Too bad there isn’t a fence material to keep them out – except maybe a 6′ high stone wall…
    Do those electrical things they have on the ground to stop cattle from traveling affect snakes ?

    Glad you are enjoying home 🙂

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  33. haha… i love the pirate question! if i had an eye-patch i would definitely tell little kids i was a pirate!

    i actually lose weight on vacation. i don’t know why. i just seem to lose my appetite when i’m away from home.

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  34. Do you really need a F 350? That is a very big truck. You can also get that one with a 100 gallon tank. I’ve friends who have one with dual rear axel for pulling their Fifth Wheel.

    Watching Roberta, who was my High School Class Valedictorian driving that monster was something else.

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  36. First – thanks so much for the giggles. I needed them on this Monday morning. You are wise beyond your years. Especially when it comes to snakes.

    The world is NOT large enough for me and any number of snakes!!

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  42. If you buy a diesel anything, buy a really, really, REALLY long extension cord because it will have to be plugged in to guarantee it’ll start when it’s cold. I’m talking below 20 to 30, depending upon the diesel (I’ve had a few). Carry dried apricots and prunes for the kids. Feed immediately before the meal. Let the restaurant deal with the smell. And what’s not to love about overstuffing an already-overstuffed car? Tell the Wild Boar it just takes more imagination!

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  43. I laughed so hard I scared everyone in the office. I almost started crying over the constipation part–I’ve been there! And about the stretch pants–the more room, more food right? That’s all Ben wears! He says he “needs room to grow!” LOL!

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  45. Welcome home! : )

    p.s. Forget the dualie idea; It just looks like a truck with big hips. (Does this truck make me look fat? In these elastic-waist shorts? Sitting in front of this stack o’ hotcakes?) I love my 4×4 crew cab … and I used to drive a vanagon in Santa Cruz! Relax and enjoy the dirt and fields of dreams. ; )

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  46. cathy you are correct on the pancakes; I googled it and it’s right. lol
    I have to say, when I was grocery shopping today I saw the first hint of ::::shudder:::: Halloween candy. I instantly thought of you. 😛

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  47. LOL, at least the pirate will cheer up in case he was having a bad day (treasure chests are hard to find these days 😉 )
    I’ll have to remember the tip on pancakes!

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  53. pancakes sound good. I’m glad your home what are you cooking?
    Remember these words- Milk of Magnesia.
    Adjust the dose to little people like one teaspoon, or you will really see the insides of bathrooms. No remedies forthcoming from the wild Boar?
    Kids always get constipated away from home. #1 reason summer camp nurses have a job.

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  54. Sounds about right — especially the pants. I use draw strings. Maximum give by not pulling on strings.

    btw…I made your delicious scallops with champagne grapes…OMG, talk about swoonability factor. Will post soon.

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  57. We had yellow jackets that insisted on residing inside the ground at our last home in PA and then swarming every time we mowed. Finally we had to spray down the hole–we felt like mass murderers, but it fixed the problem.

    You make me just as glad my kid is refusing to potty train. 😉

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  58. welcome home! Instead of the elastic pants, I like to wear big, flowy dresses that are not only in style but hide any sort of gut that I acquire. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist, right?

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  64. mmmmm pancakes.

    You realize to keep the deer out, you’re going to need like an 8 foot fence? They can jump pretty high.

    Personally I would jettison luggage for wine. I think my husband would too. We must have our priorities.

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  65. Having your son go over and ask the guy why he was dressed like a pirate reminded me of what a neighbor boy said to my first wife when she was alive. She was totally blind from having Stage I diabetes since she was a child. She had a seeing eye dog and they would go for walks through our neighborhood. The following exchange was with a neighbor boy that always said Hi to her and her dog when she walked by his house.

    Boy: Hi Mrs. Welch, can I say Hi to Rosie (her guide dog)

    Jannie: Sure Josh let me stop and take her off duty.

    Boy: I know why you’re blind

    Jannie: You do? Why am I blind Josh?

    Boy: My daddie told me if I sit to close to the TV I will go blind. You must have not listened to your dad huh?

    From the mouth of babes. She always laughed when she told that story. She always enjoyed the interaction with people, especially kids when they had questions about her blindness and/or her seeing eye dog.

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  71. At age 55, my body still gets messed up whenever I go out of town. I’ve seen the inside of more restrooms than I care to think about. I’m thinking I could write a book about the best & worst restrooms in Texas…

    Reply

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