The Garbage Man and A Weiner

Thank you garbage-recycling-truck guy for picking up our weekly trash (sometimes).  I’m sure you did not grow up aspiring to be a garbage-picker-upper-guy.  However, it is a city job, so you probably have a good salary and great benefits.  Maybe I’m just jealous.  I don’t feel like I’m frothing over your job or anything but maybe a part of me, deep-down, somewhere, feels the pangs as a green-eyed monster for such a cush gig.

But lately I’ve been having some issues with you, it seems the happy-happy-joy-joy has left our once good and decent relationship.  You know, the one where I put out the trash and you pick it up.

See, every Friday after you swing by to pick up the garbage, there’s always a little trash souvenir left for me in the yard.  Sometimes it’s just a silly-old, crushed, plastic bottle of Vodka or some ripped to shreds plastic bag, full of disgusting bathroom trash.  I never really know what it’s going to be so I guess it’s kind of exciting.  However, it’s absolutely and positively NEVER my family’s garbage.  Where do you get this rogue trash?  Do you drag it down from another house or do you save it for me on your seat and toss it out?  Did I fail you somewhere?  Cause you some ill-well?

But still, is it really necessary to dump other folks garbage in my yard?  Does it give you power  Mr.Garbage Man?  Do you feel you are stickin’ it to the man when you do this?  Did it make you feel all giddy and silly inside when you dumped that half crushed hamster house onto my lawn?  I don’t have any rodents as pets; why did you leave it for me?  But maybe it’s the empty-stinky-cat-food cans you leave rolling around in the gutter.  Does that give you the superhero-esque power trip you so obviously crave?  Maybe, we could call you Garba-Geebo-Mandito-Man?  Would that make you feel better?

How about this, I will leave extra garbage out for you to throw all over my yard.  It will satisfy your garbage-throwin’ power-trippin’-issues and I will get to pick up trash that totally doesn’t gross me out because it will be mine. Kay?

I promise to increase your holiday cash gift and maybe I’ll start contributing to your pension plan too!  Some weeks I’ll try to not even put out the garbage because I don’t want to burden you with pushing all those levers in the truck.  See it as your personal vacation from my house.  You’ll probably get off work like 3.2 seconds earlier because you didn’t have to stop here.  You can thank me later for that.

Somedays I might even make you breakfast and stand out on the curb and serve it to you.  I mean I want to make myself more memorable to you.  I want you to like me so that you stop tossing my cans on their sides and running them over with your big-bad-garbage-man-truck.  It’s only happened twice so I’m guessing it’s nothing personal.

I’m really incredibly thankful for all you do.  I don’t know, maybe I’m attracted to your machismo-ness when you show me who’s boss.  You know what I mean….when you don’t stop here to pick up the trash but some how garbage ends up on my lawn anyway.  Yeah, I love that.  You do have all the power Mr. Garbage Man.  Maybe I’m just secretly in love with you.

So, ummm, keep up the good work and let me know how I could make your life easier.  I’d really appreciate it.

I’m also sorry I had to call you out, but it’s getting tiresome.

Best,