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Really, I’m Not a Man

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We played paddle ball last night at Cub Scout camp.  My six-year old hooligan and I rallied back and forth until I missed one of his serves.

The ping-pong-like-ball went straight for and hit my privates.  It was no big deal however my hooligan, in a loud shrieking voice, announced…

“Oh Mom, that ball hit you right in your wiener!”

Ugh.

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Okay, but there were men in the group, who I barely know, that totally heard my hooligan’s announcement.  They did not even crack a smile.  Instead they just uncomfortably looked away, like oops the secret is out.  Kids don’t lie and your kid has totally seen your wiener and he just told everyone about it.

What happened to the parental code of commiserating together when your kid says something weird?  The whole high-fiven’ camaraderie and the laughter you share together when something like this is thrown out there.  Nothing, just silence.

Whatever.

But the worst of the worst part was my immediate response to these men, “I’m really a girl you know”.

That’s what I said.  What kind of lame-o, lack-of-a-brain response was that?  Why was I trying to defend the comment instead of just laughing it off.  Because I was guilty of a hidden wiener? Completely lame on my part.

None of these men were having any of it.  It was like a large white elephant was tip-toeing around the grass and they all just wanted it to go away.

I’m not being paranoid, but later in the evening I SWEAR I saw two of the men checking out my throat for any outward signs of an Adam’s Apple.  I know they were, those not-crackin’-a-smile-fathers.

Tomorrow night…tight shorts to prove I’m not packin’ a package.

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Comments

  2. Super funny! I did laugh out loud – too loud, probably! The thing that made me laugh the second hardest…”because I was guilty of a hidden weiner?” I am still laughing!

    I am in the middle of a bunch of cub scout dads I don’t know the last few mornings. It can be a little uncomfortable. I keep thinking, Hey, I’m just one of the guys – I like sports, I can talk about some manly things, too… It’ll pass, I’m sure, the desire to feel like “one of the guys”…I hope, anyhow.

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  3. “Tight shorts to prove I’m not packing a package.” It’s 6:33 am, everyone else is asleep and I’m trying so hard not to wake them up with my laughing. If I had heard your son say something like that to you, I would have fallen over laughing. Men are so dumb some times. 🙂

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  8. I can’t help but wonder what their response would be if you did show up with a package? Just once. And then no package the next day?

    And, yeah…. what a bunch of stiffs. They’re totally supposed to have your back when kids say cute things!

    Other than that, I hope your enjoying camp!

    Reply

  11. That was funny! Maybe you should just let the men wonder.

    If you are going to dispel the rumor make sure that it is obvious that you aren’t doing a tuck thing (think drag queens in shorts.) Good luck!

    Reply

  14. Hey, I think I’d suggest a pool party. Too, too funny. Here in Kansas, I think you would have gotten a different reaction. Most people just would not have believed it could be possible that you could really be a man. (And really, dear, you’d have to be a very pretty man.) However, if you happen to get angry with the Wild Boar, you could force him to go to a Pack meeting with you and then play it like you really are a man. It could be fun to see their reactions–and his.

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  15. That reminds me of when my son asked me why I pooped a lot. I asked him what he meant, and he said that when I went to the bathroom I always sat down. After I finished chuckling, I did my best to explain. Also, living in the country, I’ve had to do my best to keep him from peeing outside.

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  19. Those guys were just so boring. They could have had fun with this and missed their opportunity. Wouldn’t it have been much more fun to laugh and kid with you? I think it could have been hilarious. Glad your kid is so funny.

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  20. ROFL! That is hilarious. I think men just can’t think of anyhting relating to weiners as funny. Especially when it involves things striking them. They are humorless that way. Women would have totally cracked up!

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  26. Ha ha hahahaha why do I think you would have made the funniest best friend ever in high school! Oh my god, those guys have some serious problems! How dare they stand there and make you feel uncomfortable like that! Weren’t they ever funny little boys once? Smug! You’re funny, Thanks making our morning start out right! With a good laugh!

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  35. Sometimes I don’t get men. Really. A bunch of moms would’ve been laughing or at least smiling. I mean, damn! It’s funny! Personally, I think you should string those dads along. Keep ’em guessing………

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  36. Funny! Reminds me of when my daughter was about 3 years old and I caught her hoisting herself up on the bathroom counter so that she could see herself in the mirror. I told her to get down so she wouldn’t hurt herself. She, of course, ignored me. The next time I happened by the doorway, I saw her doubled in pain, clutching her privates. I said, “Oh, honey! Did you fall and hurt yourself?” She groaned, “Yeah, I got hit right in the nuts!” I laughed and told her she didn’t have nuts. Puzzled, she said, “Oh? Balls?” I had to tell her the difference between men and women right there. We still laugh about it!

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  39. You are too funny! What the heck is up with those dads? They’ve never seen a cross-dressing dad fronting as mom before? 🙂 Too bad they have no sense of humor. That is just too weird.

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  43. That is hilarious! Although, I think I’d prefer him screaming that instead of something to the likes of ball in your vagina…just sayin’
    And shame on those fathers, that’s some funny stuff there!

    Reply

  45. I always manage to spy krysta’s comments:

    “Aren’t you in California?! Shouldn’t they be okay with this.”

    HAHAHA. 😛

    And seriously, kids are always saying crazy embarrassing stuff. They should have been commiserating with you!

    Reply

  47. You totally have me cracking up! “Guilty of a hidden wiener?” So funny. So silly. Little kids sure do know how to put you in the most awkward situations without even trying! Rock those tight shorts…. ha!

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  49. Did they seriously not laugh. You must be kidding. That is precious. I have gotta get me a little booger. You have posted so many fabulous stories involving your kids. Really funny.

    And I wouldn’t give the issue a second thought. To heck with the tight asses. You were playing with your kid, he made a “kid” comment – that is all it was. Worry not Cathy! Keep having fun & being YOU!

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  58. O.k..Cathy..I am laughing. And I will tell you that some of the things my kids have said, in public…IN CHURCH..make your son;s tiny faux pas seem rather tame. Tight shorts should do it.

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  59. This is too funny. And totally something that I would say back too – and I would rehash my inability to say the right thing for DAYS and DAYS. Tight shorts will settle the score though 🙂

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  60. Okay, I lost my gulp of coffee on this one! Men simply have no sense of humor when it comes to their private parts, so they must have been frightened out of their minds with the thought of having an imposter in the vicinity. I would have loudly told them “It’s not there anymore and I only have one operation left…” Too bad you’re not preggers right now. That would really have thrown them for a loop.

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  66. Ohmyheck, I cannot stop crying/laughing, and am almost unable to continue reading this out loud to my husband!!! Recently we’ve had alot of inappropriate wiener talk in public as well, and it never ceases to mortify and humiliate. I tell ya! BOYS!?!?!?

    Reply

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