What I Would Do With My Tax Refund…If I Were Getting One

I’m feeling slightly patriotic today.  Not really sure why. 

Is filing and paying your tax return an American past-time that elicits feelings of red, white and blue giddiness?  Are the verses of the star-spangled banner in the back of our minds as we stand in line at the post office to send our return by certified mail because our CPA has scared us to death into doing so?

If you are not from the United States, April 15th is the deadline for filing and paying your tax return for the previous year. 

This pretty much means if the government owed you money you most likely filed your tax return a while ago. 

For those of us who had to pay, there is a good chance your return was not sent until today.  I mean, why pay early? 

It’s even possible that you are still filling out your return as we speak and you plan to drop it off at a post office that is open till midnight.  Even I did not succumb to that type of procrastination.

So, if I were getting a tax refund where money and practicality were not an issue, and eradicating world hunger and other social issues were not plausible, I would spend my tax refund in a completely irresponsible and childless way with only reckless abandonment as my guide. 

Here’s how I would do it…

In one sitting, I would order every item on the Cheesecake Factory’s gi-mongo menu, finally figuring out what is my all-time favorite splurge.  Right now I order Steak Diane every time I’m there.  If you haven’t tried it, you must!  Sounds indulgent but I really just want one bite of everything to get me out of my rut.  What’s the big deal?

I would hire a blog assistant.  One who would crop, size and upload all my photos, do investigative reporting as needed and keep my coffee cup full as I mindlessly surf the net reading all the wonderful blogs out there.  I really like this one.

A masseuse would live at my home 24 hours a day. Someone who would rub my shoulders while I kill myself getting this blog out every day.  This could be very useful.

Membership in as many ice cream and cheese of the month clubs as I could find.  Umm, why not?

I would start a PURSE-OF-THE-MONTH-CLUB where every 30 days a new Coach, Burberry or Dooney & Burke bag would appear at your doorstep.  Each purse would coincide perfectly with the season of its arrival.  How fun would this be?

An endless supply of Jalapeno Poppers would inhabit my freezer; my quintessential white-trash indulgence.

I would break down and purchase that $300 bottle of Chateau d’Yquem Sauternes from Costco; the bottle of wine I hold on to for inappropriate amounts of time and take for a basket ride every time I’m there.

Let’s not even discuss how many pairs of shoes would suddenly find their way home with me.

And last but not least, the purchase of a Faberge Egg would suddenly seem like a logical expense.

So how did you spend your tax refund?  Or did you have to pay like me?

Post a Comment


  1. Rita 1

    i got a tax refund…and it just went into my bank account…and i didn’t know where it went in the end ARRRGGHHH

    now…wat i want for the next tax refund/waiver (don’t we just love hong kong government?)
    – pressure cooker
    – DSLR camera
    – lots of cute utensils, flatware, pots & pans, kitchen gadgets
    – ok…to house all of those, i’ll need a new tiny hong kong flat now, wont i? LOL

  2. http://www.bagborroworsteal.com You won’t be sorry! And a blog assisstant? Great idea.

  3. philly 3

    Are you taking applications for your blog asst?

  4. Flea 4

    We had a refund from the feds and paid half of it back to the state. We spent it all in one place. :) Paying off a small debt.

  5. This is the first year I have ever had to pay. So yeah, it is going in the mail today. Normally I file the day the W2 arrives.
    When I get a refund I take a vacation. Last years refund is paying for this years cruise. WHoo Hoo I leave in a week!

  6. We are paying this year. Our accountant got it down to almost nothing… but I’m still writing a check!
    I would like the blog assistant as well. And although I like purses, I would like a kitchen gadget delivery each month. Zesters, microplanes, pasta makers… Oh, I feel dizzy just contemplating it!

  7. I laughed so hard at the title of your blog post this morning. It just struck me as so funny I couldn’t stop laughing.

    I think we are getting money back from someone, but I’m not sure how much. Certainly not enough to go “woo hoo party time” over. I do like the idea of ordering one of everything on the Cheesecake Factory menu though. Have you tried their Navajo Sandwich? So good you can’t stand it. Their Cob Salad is good as well. Big, but very good. The next time I go in I’m going to look at the Steak Diane and see what it is. Like anything at that restaurant could be bad!

  8. krysta 8

    Ahhh, the pleasure of having four tax deductions (kids). We recieved a nice refund (yea!) then paid off our credit cards (double yea!) would have loved to have spent it on books, cameras, and a dinner to French Laundry.

  9. We are the paying type too. However I gave up on the procrastination bit a couple of years ago, and started getting our taxes done at the first available appointment.

  10. Greg 10

    You must be dreaming of that mythical $45,000 refund. Let me know if you get it, because really, with a refund that large, you will need to hire an assistant refund spender, never mind the blog assistant.

  11. Darlin’ we are self employed and in the Agriculture sector.. No refunds… no excitement…
    I love the purse of the month club…

  12. Blog assistant! Genius!!

  13. Kathy from NJ 13

    We paid this year but mailed it early (yesterday).

  14. Would it be wrong to hire a hit on the property tax assessor for my county with my (imaginary) refund? Not only did I get to mail out taxes today, but I got to have a phone appointment to appeal the hike in taxes on our house. Uh, I thought the housing market is in a slump. How could the value of my house have risen and how on earth by so much in one year? Excuse me? I live on a dirt road. I do not have city water. The township MOWS our trees for Pete’s sake. Okay, I’m going to stop there and go buy a bottle of something with alcohol content with my (imaginary) refund. I think I got whine instead of wine by mistake.

  15. Jeff 15

    How I wanted to spend my tax return?
    -kopi luwak coffee (mostly to see people reactions when they found out where it came from)
    -new stove preferably with 2 ovens
    -bigger grill
    -amazing cheeses
    -bacon of the month club
    -drip irrigation system for the garden

    How I spent my tax return?
    -windows for the house
    -tree trimming that they screwed up on
    -paying a deductible for a car accident because I can’t walk and chew gum

  16. Elle 16

    We got a refund this year, and put it right back into the economy like good Americans. hehehe!

  17. Tammy 17

    Oh my word – I am so behind on reading your blog and it pains me. I just saw something chocolate and muffiny a few blogs down and then some pork tenderloins with a sauce that made me salivate on the spot. I’m hungry now. And I must read your blog. Oh – by the way, you’ve been tagged. :-)

  18. We actually put our refund into our savings account. It’s about 2/3 gone on nickel and dime crap (paint for the bedroom, summer clothes for the kids, paying off Drama Queen’s $500 field trip) but it sure feels good to have something in the savings account.

  19. ALF 19

    All our refund (and it was a very nice one) went towards our backyard landscaping. I would have liked to spend it on clothes…

  20. Ms. L 20

    Had to pay…but if I could choose one of the things you listed, I’m torn between the blog assistant, the masseuse or the Purse of the Month Club!

  21. Faberge eggs…one of the great covets of my life. One…just ONE on the multi-$$$$$$ originals would make me supremely happy. Of course, if I could afford THAT, I would also be able to afford that full-time maid I also covet.

  22. marye 22

    well I am with you on the blog assistant and masseuse..sadly ours went to bills.

  23. We got our taxes back in Feb…. And we did the same thing we do every year! We paid off one debt in its entirety…. then we bought the kids the next size up in clothes… (why do they always go up a size the week we get our tax returns?) Then we buy me a years worth of bras… then we put aside 1000.00 cause the Army is going to shortchange us at some point in the year…. usually the month of march….. (this year march was indeed the month of the army shortchange! Still waiting for the $5oo they owe us!) Then we buy stuff we have been saying “when we can afford it” about. This year I got dishes that matched…. and Pots and pans that didnt rust if I left them soaking in water overnight….. and better car insurance… which we paid off for the whole year… and new cell phones! A really nice one for me… and an indestructable one for Owen. Then we filled the pantry and the 2 refridgerators/freezers with food…. then we blew the rest on stuff…. like clothes I didnt technically need… but wanted… and video games…. you know childish stuff. We also went out on a really great date… the first one we had been on since the birth of Aeddon 2 years ago! So that is what we did with ours!

  24. Hi Cathy: Unrelated to the tax thing, my friend Donna made your Tomato/Cheese Pie on Phyllo Dough this past weekend and it was AMAZING!!!

  25. magpie 25

    I got $11 back from the IRS. $11. Like, nothing.

  26. Our taxes were filed today, only because we procrastinated in getting it all to our accountant. The good news is that we are getting quite a lot back… the bad news is that I got my hospital bill today (of all days) for my recent gallbladder operation and it looks like that return will come in handy :( No fun will be had with our refund!

    Your ideas sound like loads of fun though!

  27. I’d definitely take the blog assistant and the masseuse. Then I’d hire Barbara Kingsolver to ghost write all my articles, and most of all – SOMEONE TO CLEAN THIS GODDAMN HOUSE.



  28. My question to you is: “Would you still shop in a tax free state?” You could get soooo many more shoes!

  29. pam 29

    I had to pay, since our youngest turned 18 and that means no more child credit. But I so want the purse of the month club!

  30. Tipper 30

    I like the way you think!

  31. We’re getting money back – enough t pay our CPA AND pay for 1/3 of our da** dentist bill. We’re a regular party over here!


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