When your precious baby is born, isn’t it your parental duty to give your child a decent name?
For a female there is always the possibility of marriage and her last name changing to an unanticipated blunder. Which reminds of this sweet, little old lady I once knew whose name was Ima Hog.
If your name was Ima, wouldn’t you pick your husband more carefully?
Anyway, my point is, in high school there was a girl in my home room whose name was hideous. I went to a private, all girl’s school where you didn’t automatically know everyone; girl’s came from all over the county.
So the very first day of classes, as a freshman, attendance was taken. This is where I heard the name that no doubt came straight from the gate’s of hell. A name only the cruelest of parent’s could have bestowed upon their child.
“Miss Bertha Controla,” the teacher called out.
“Present,” Bertha said.
Ugh. There was an audible gasp, I’m not even kidding. Twenty-five bobbish haircuts flipped around to take pity on this poor soul.
Who in the sam-heck would name their child Bertha Controla?
Kids are cruel and the teasing from the boys who held a daily vigil outside our school’s gates were the worst offenders.
They were relentless in their pursuits of her. ”Bertha what do you think about condoms, spermicides, gels, whatever they could dream up. It was always so creative and witty, as if they had brainstormed their taunting remarks all afternoon. You know they did.
I felt bad for her, but geez what were her parent’s thinking?
Were they not using birth control when she was conceived? Or were they using birth control that failed?
Their last name was Controla for cripe’s sake, I’m sure they thought about it. Was it a joke they played on their own daughter?
Bertha did not return to school after our sophomore year. She just disappeared. Kind of like the Today Sponge. Kidding, I’m kidding!
So Bertha, if you’re out there…please let me know what happened to you. I’d love to know if you ever married and if your new name gave you a new life. Something tells me you didn’t hold on to your maiden name for posterity.