Being the wife of an OB/GYN I’ve heard some things.
Way too many things…some sad, some happy and a boatload of really weird, bizarre and wacky, gross, disgusting things.
Many of which I absolutely would NEVER repeat. You would never believe me anyway.
But from my unique perspective I feel I have some invaluable information to pass on to the rest of the world about what you should know or do to prepare for your next visit to the doc down under.
This very useful information is in no way meant to freak or gross you out. Just a simple public service announcement I hope you find helpful.
If you are a man reading this, before you twitch and pass out, simply pass this information on to that special someone who will appreciate you for thinking of them.
1. Foot odor is worse than bum odor. Now what do I mean here. Well ladies, let’s face it, we prepare our bottoms so diligently for the visit; washing, soaking, buffing, puffing and fluffing. Then we put on our old, closed-up, stinky shoes while barefoot. By the time your feet get in those stir-ups the stench can mirror that of a dead animal. Remember, your docs face is right next to your feet. Next time, wear flip-flops to your visit, the world will be a better place.
2. Remove all toilet paper wads. We all take that last potty break before the dreaded exam. However, what happens is that we are so concerned about wiping ourselves so meticulously that wads and wads of tiny toilet paper balls are left behind on our bottom. These wads must be removed before your exam begins. They must! Of course you would never know that this waste removal process is going on down there because your doctor is not going to tell you! But believe me that’s what they are doing before the exam officially begins. If there is any lull between lying down and the exam starting, you know you are being de-wadded. You don’t want to be remembered this way. You really don’t.
3. Pedicures are priceless. While your doc is asking you to scoot your bottom down to the end of the table (you know what I’m talking about) and it feels like you are scooting to the end of the earth…your doctor is looking at your pedicure. Don’t go with your cracked up nails and your unshaven big toes. This is all they have to look at. Believe me your doc is NOT looking at your privates at this point. For a gynecologist, looking at privates is like looking at an elbow. Boring. Yawn. They’ve seen them all, but the feet are interesting so take pride in your toes before you go. If you wear socks they know you’re hiding something.
4. Breast-jam is worse than toe-jam. Girls please, the breast exam is awkward enough. I mean there is nothing worse than making small talk with your doctor while they examine your breasts. I think it’s worse than the other unmentionable exam because you have to look them straight in the eye while they look and touch our saggy messes. But do not make it more horrific by not cleaning any accumulation of grit and sludge that may be hidden in the under the breast area. Remember your doc is not wearing gloves at this point so don’t gross them out.
5. Remove all piercings down there! You would think this is common sense but apparently it’s not. Your doctor doesn’t want to see it. No matter how cool you think it is, they don’t. I promise you. Girls, especially if you are going to surgery, or having a baby for God’s sake, TAKE THEM OUT! They make you remove all jewelry before an operation why would you think this does not fall under that realm.
Okay, numbers 6 thru 10 are so gross I can’t even write about them. I can’t. They are too horrible. Trust me.