Pads. Yes, the Big, Big Ones


I was reminded of something funny yesterday while cleaning the bathroom.  Somehow items accumulate in the back of the cabinets and never seem to find their way to the trash can.

Anyway, as I was happily tossing out junk left and right, I came across (now men brace yourselves) some of those giant industrial pads you are given at the hospital after you have a baby.  Yeah, those.

I can’t even imagine why I still had two of these pads since its been 6-1/2 years since the birth of my last child.  Not to mention we’ve moved since then and I’m not sure how these pads made the cut as an acceptable item to bring along.

But seeing these pads reminded me of a night when my oldest son was two years old and the other about 6 months. 

At the time the Wild Boar was Chief of Staff at the hospital and a member of the Board of Directors.  These two jobs required us to entertain an endless amount of hospital administrators and various community leaders.  We often went to restaurants but it was always more personal to invite them to our home for dinner.  I called it the schmooze and booze hour but that’s just me.

I enjoyed entertaining but the Wild Boars job (delivering babies, emergencies and surgeries that never seemed to run on time) often forced me to socialize with the “Big-Wigs” as I called them, by myself.  These Big-Wigs were often at my house having a cocktail before we even knew the Wild Boar was not going to make it home.  It was always so much fun.  Luckily I can talk a lot about nothing, so I survived what often seemed like an endless evening.

I usually had a babysitter and the kids were always asleep by 7 PM so they were not a problem or distraction.

However, on one particular night my sitter canceled and two male hospital executives, who were in town evaluating the hospital, were going to join us for dinner at our home. 

I had been cooking all day and was actually looking forward to the night we planned.  I never met these two men before but heard good things about them.

Upon their arrival, one of the nurses from labor and delivery called to inform me the Wild Boar had to perform an emergency c-section on his labor patient.  He would be delayed about 1-2 hours.  Ugh.

So I had no sitter, no hubby and two nice young gentlemen at my house who were more than gracious about the whole situation.  I served them a drink and we sat down in the family room just in time for the baby needing a diaper change (of course).

I left these two men with my very precocious 2 year old who could speak and articulate words as well as any adult.  He had no fear and no problem capturing the attention of his newly found audience.

Of course the baby had one of those massive cream-poop filled diapers, you know the ones where the poop migrates out of the diaper and up to their necks.  Not an easy clean up job, but requiring my two year old hooligan to be with the Big-Wigs longer than reasonably safe.  But I had no choice.

This is where it got ugly or funny depending on how you look at it.  As a mom I’ve learned to just get over the many embarrassments my children have bestowed upon me.  It goes with the job.

While I was away, SOMEHOW, and I’ll never know WHY, my two year old hooligan had gone into my bathroom cabinet and pulled out a basket full of those GIANT pads.  He removed all the strips that allows them to stick.  He then stuck the pads all over the family room walls, the floors and on the couch next to these two men I had only known for about 20 minutes.

I felt like dying a thousand deaths.  There were about twenty (don’t ask me why I had so many) mattress-sized-maxi pads (with wings) everywhere.  Just everywhere. 

My two guests sat there, holding their martinis, pale and uneasy, looking for the best exit strategy.  One of them tried to say something witty but it bombed and left the room in a deafening silence.

I gasped and started running around ripping the pads off the walls and the sofa.   

I went to throw the giant wad of pads into the trash can but some were stuck to my hands and shirt as I tried shoving them into the receptacle.  Did I already say I could have died.

The worst part was one of the Big Wigs was fairly young and did not have kids or a wife.  He would have no idea why I would need maxi-pads that were 14 inches long, 3 inches thick and with wings rivaling that of an eagle.  I did not even try to give any excuses or explanations.

Luckily the Wild Boar made it home for dessert.  He had no idea what type of humiliation I had suffered earlier.

But as we were finishing up the Wild Boar got up to throw something away.  The trash can was fully visible from where we were sitting.  When he stepped on the pedal to open the can, a giant wad of pads stuck to the lid flew out like a bunch of magic trick snakes all over the floor. 

The three of us at the table quickly looked away and started talking about something else.  The Wild Boar cleaned up the mound of pads and returned to the table with an odd look on his face we all happily ignored.

I think I’ll put the two giant pads I found yesterday into the hooligan’s baby memory capsule.  I’m sure he’ll appreciate the story someday.  I will surely never forget it.

Post a Comment

58 Comments

  1. linda 1

    lol!
    have some lying around too, my 2 year old hasn’t found them….yet that is 😉

    Reply
  2. Shirley 2

    This tale is like one of those that makes the email rounds from time to time, but, unlike those, we know this one is true. OMG That’s hysterical, but I don’t know how you survived it at the time. Talk about unbelievable grace. I think the vineyard endeavor will be a piece of cake for you, after hearing more about your handling of difficult situations, like this one and “nut case”.

    Reply
  3. Lori 3

    That part about “wings rivaling an eagle” had me cracking up over here! 😀

    Reply
  4. Great story…I have a similar one with my twins, but will spare you for now! Love it!

    Reply
  5. grace 5

    can you hear me roaring with laughter all the way across the country? i’ll bet you could if you listen closely, because this is hilarious. i’m sure you handled it all with poise and humor and i know those two guys will never look at feminine products the same way again!

    Reply
  6. Oh, boy…but a great laugh to start my Friday!

    Reply
  7. Stephanie 7

    Since my kids and husband are asleep I’ve had to stifle my belly laughs. I think I’ve sprained something. :)

    Reply
  8. Dianie 8

    I love when I can laugh out loud before work! Thanks!

    “flew out like a bunch of magic trick snakes all over the floor.”

    OMG! LOL!

    Reply
  9. That. Was. Awesome.

    My almost 13 year old daughter saw an ad recently for Always Over Night pads which are very similar to the ones you mentioned in your story. She asked why anyone would need a pad like that so I explained the dynamics of what it’s like after you’ve given birth and pads like that are a necessary evil. She just looked at me and said “That is so wrong.” I never laughed so hard in my life.

    Reply
  10. LOL! Your story was a fun way to start the day!! I’d like to know how you had so many of those pads–I loved those when I was in the hospital and never seemed to have enough when I got home!

    Reply
  11. sassy 11

    Nothing like a good laugh first thing in the morning, that was hysterical, and i am sure those 2 young men have also repeated that story!

    Thanks for visiting my blog.

    Reply
  12. leslie 12

    Oh my god! You had me laughing out loud with tears rolling down my cheeks..my kids asked me why I was crying!!!!Only a mother would appriciate that story! I have some similar stories..but none are suitable for web brodcast! Have a great day! Thanks for my daily morning laugh. Always a great way to start the day!

    Reply
  13. Julena Jo 13

    I laughed aloud when I read this story, Cathy. That’s a great thing, except that I am a librarian. And I was reading it at work…. 😉

    Reply
  14. Steph 14

    Thanks for the laugh. Though, if that had happened to me, I wouldn’t have been able to show my face for the rest of the night!

    Reply
  15. Fran 15

    What a nightmare that just wouldn’t stop! Thanks for the laugh!

    Fran

    Reply
  16. yes, yes, YES, you absolutely MUST put them in the baby book – alongside a printed copy of this entry.

    I don’t know what’s better, the image of the magic trick snakes or the “wings rivaling that of an eagle.”

    AWESOME. Thanks for this. 😉

    Reply
  17. That was the funniest story I’ve heard in a long time. Thanks for the laughs!

    Reply
  18. HoneyB 18

    Oh Cathy, that was hilarious! I’m sitting here at work reading and I’m thinking my boss is going to think I’ve lost my mind out here laughing to myself!

    Reply
  19. jules 19

    LMAO…I think I need one of those pads…I just peed my pants!

    Reply
  20. Teri 20

    Hahahaha oh my god that is so funny I can’t stop laughing! They say the funniest things are usually the things you can most relate to! So funny! Thanks for the laugh! Now I woke my kids up on their first day of summer vacation, whoops!

    Reply
  21. Ahhh, is there any humiliation sweeter than that which our children give us? I will be laughing about that all day.

    Reply
  22. krysta 22

    Too funny… it’s funny that those guys never said to your kid…’maybe you might not want to do that.’ there could be a million dollars worth of diaminds in a tampon box but guys would never know because god forbid they might have to look in there.

    Reply
  23. So funny! I have a couple of those also. I’m a saver, and I think one day I just may need them for something.

    I still have those long pad like ice packs too. With boys, you never know…

    Reply
  24. hahhhhaaaaahheeeeee chuckle, giggle laugh, belly laugh,…ah thanks you made my day!

    Reply
  25. Egghead 25

    This is too hilarious! Thanks for the laugh….

    Reply
  26. That’s really funny. I was amazed the first time I saw one of those giant pads.
    My 2-year-old daughter has, on more than one ocassion, told people that I wear diapers.

    Reply
  27. Bellini 27

    I don’t know if I would do as well entertaining perfect strangers…but that sure is a story you can use on your sons wedding day speech of most embarrassing moments…oe maybe you can think of something juicier:D

    Reply
  28. Hilarious. These memories truly are priceless. It is also great when we can laugh at ourselves.

    Have a fabulous weekend!

    Reply
  29. Liz C. 29

    What a hilarious story! Children do have a way of humiliating us beyond humiliation. I told my kids they have years of humiliation coming to them. They have no idea what they’re in for.

    Reply
  30. Alisa 30

    And kids wonder why we embarass them every single chance we get.

    Reply
  31. Your posts make my day!

    Reply
  32. Lara 32

    Oh my gosh, this is hilarious! Poor you!!!!

    This is nowhere near the same, but I have had a feminine-product disaster as well. I was maybe 14 and a member of my school’s marching band (what can I say? I’m a dork). We were all milling about the school’s football stadium, waiting for something or other, and a boy I had a crush on asked me if I had a pen. I did have a pen in my pocket – this giant one with about 20 different colors of ink. I reached into my pocket, all flustered because he was talking to me, and handed over what I thought was a pen but was actually a super-absorbent tampon.

    Oy.

    Still, your story is worse.

    Reply
  33. Apparently I experimented as a child with the maxis as well. Mine were used as knee pads for public roller skating…or so my mom tells me. She gladly will tell anyone too.

    Reply
  34. Sarah 34

    Thanks for the laugh, I needed it! My kid is graduating from high school today and I’m feeling a wee bit bi-polar.

    Reply
  35. Kristy 35

    Haha – ok great imagery in this story. Our kids can not only push our buttons faster than anyone on this earth, but they can also embarrass us to no end.

    Reply
  36. Sometimes we save things for no good reason and later they become valuable. When my mother-in-law stayed with us she used Depends what amounted to adult diapers. When she went into the nursing home we were left with half a box. We brought them with us from Crystal Falls to Neenah. Don’t ask me why.
    But then we started on the train layout and Betty discovered they were great for mountains. You tacked them to the frame and put plaster cloth over them.

    Reply
  37. Tipper 37

    Thank you! I needed a good laugh.

    Reply
  38. Pack em up and then haul them out when the “one” shows up nothing like a good embarrassing moment. :)

    Reply
  39. laura 39

    too funny!
    now i wonder if that young man ever did marry and have a family after that experience.

    Reply
  40. Dr Whoo 40

    HA! Thanks for the laugh, that was hilarious! I fear the day my children humiliate me this way (but I know they will)!

    Reply
  41. omg.. I have tears streaming down my face…

    Now I know 2 things:

    What I may face as Flighterdocwife (no longer medstudentwife)

    AND

    A great strategy for tempting boring guests to leave PDQ.

    I’m still laffing….. *roflmao*

    Save the story for your little one’s wedding… he’ll be horrified & you will finally get it back *lol*

    Reply
  42. Priceless…just priceless! I have now laughed myself silly! Thank you very much!

    Reply
  43. giz 43

    That was hilarious. I’m sure I would have told the 2 gentlemen that I was saving them to use as depends – one just never knows when incontinence will take over.

    Reply
  44. You are so hilarious!!! I have not had a child yet, but I cannot wait for those pads – they sound great! 😉

    Reply
  45. Cass 45

    I couldn’t sleep so it’s 3am and this is the FUNNIEST thing ever. I was laughing so loud I probably woke up the other 3 people in the house. So hilarious!

    Reply
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    Reply
  47. Absolutely hilarious!

    Reply
  48. Trisha 48

    Too funny!

    While never having a baby or getting those fabulous sounding pads, I can sympathize!

    I think putting them in your hooligan’s memory capsule is a super idea. Be sure to pull them out while entertaining a fiance!

    Reply
  49. Thanks for the bellylaugh first thing on a very grey and chilly Saturday with my first cuppa Joe. Totally hilarious. You get serious points from me for continuing on with the entertaining sans husband. Such a Marthanista!

    Reply
  50. marye 50

    O.k..You made me laugh exactly 2 hours after my horses were picked up by the new owner. There should be a prize for that. My story is that my two oldest (who were 2 and 5 at the time) happily pushed pink plastic platex applicators through a hole in the screen door and on to the front porch..making a neat pile that the Pastor deftly stepped over when he came for a quick visit.

    Reply
  51. Flea 51

    Those baby-gets-into-mommy’s-pads stories are usually quite funny, but I hurt for you int the telling of this one. Poor Noble Pig.

    Reply
  52. OH.MY.GOD. Too funny!

    Would love to have been a fly on the wall when the two guys left!

    Reply
  53. Elle 53

    i’m so sorry you had to endure that, but how hilarious!

    Reply
  54. Bwahahahaha! OMG, that story is priceless! You must have felt like falling through the floor!

    Reply
  55. Ok that laughing fit probably prolonged my life for about 20 more years! Thank you for the life extension!

    Reply
  56. Karly 56

    Oh, this has got to be my favorite “most embarrassing story” ever! You poor thing. That had to be very traumatic. I’m hoping you’ve since switched to tampons? They are less sticky after all. 😉

    Reply
  57. Tracy 57

    OH, Cathy!
    Your hee-hee-hee-hilarious blog gives me a daily dose of giggles. Thank you!
    Tracy

    Reply
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