Three Things My Husband Has Never Forgiven Me For


Well I have never thought of them again.  I haven't.  But apparently there are three little incidents that have never left my husband's never-forgetting-all knowing-elephant-brain.  I mean, these little things all happened so many years ago, when the hooligans were young.  Why is he hanging on to them like some old piece of underwear?

I don't like to dwell on the past, but he brought them all up yesterday.  Like they had just occurred.  For no reason.  Just threw it all out there in a "remember when you did this to me" type of way.

He grabbed these memories right out of the sky, as if a train of thoughts were passing by and he just randomly picked the caboose.  

So obviously, this painful, trilogy of horrors, is kept close to his heart, where he anxiously anticipates his fourth blow;  where he will add it to his jar of spousal and paternal woes. 

I think he's waiting...waiting for the remorse he wanted me to show or feel for these nonsensical matters, but knowing all well that I am the person who laughs when someone falls.  The harder the fall, the harder I laugh. 

I know that sounds terrible but please don't categorize me as unsympathetic; I am the one who will be there first to scoop you off the ground; but I will be laughing.  Don't judge me.

Incident #1

So this all started back when we had our first child.  The baby was probably eight months old at the time. 

The Wild Boar and I were at the mall.  The baby in the stroller. 

We went into Tiffany's and proceeded to look around.  You know just trolling the jewelry case on a Sunday afternoon.

My son was a loud baby.  You know how they are, just calling out sounds...BA-DA-MA-LA...but loudly.  Very loudly.

I wanted to try on some necklaces so I pulled out some Goldfish crackers and gave them to him to quiet him down.  Of course he ate them, stuffing his little face very quickly and started in on his loud sounds again. 

This was not the store for loud sounding kids.  So I turned around and handed him my car keys to play with, something the Wild Boar always told me not to do.  Why?  He says they're dirty.  But desperation was key here. 

Anyway, I have a couple bracelets and a few necklaces on and I'm drooling over each and every one of them.  When my darling baby gags himself with the car keys and proceeds to explode orange vomit everywhere.  In Tiffany's!  Gasp!

The Wild Boar tips the stroller backward on its two rear wheels so that the vomit stops overflowing onto the carpet and begins pooling in my son's lap. My husband starts wheeling him out of the store immediately because by the looks on the faces of the people at Tiffany's, I don't think they had ever seen pools of orange colored vomit before. 

Without even thinking about it, I chase after them, forgetting I have all this jewelry on. The Tiffany armed guards grab me at the door as I start to walk out of the store; as if we had planned this whole jewelry heist. 

I was just trying to figure out what to do about all the barf that had now covered my baby and Tiffany's floors.  But the Tiffany's thugs are holding me back to keep me in the store and the husband is standing in the mall with the screaming baby in the pool of orange, thick, Goldfishy, barf.  And yes, everyone is looking at us.

I have to go back and remove the jewels (and maybe try on some more, sorry honey you never knew that part) while he has to walk down to Nordstrom, go to the men's restroom and clean up milky-Goldfish-cracker vomit from a baby who is very fat with lots of crevices and rolls that liquid was pouring into.

When I went back into the store it was like the barf police came out of the walls and had the carpet shampooed, leaving the place spotless.  It was like...amazing....how did they make it happen?

When the Wild Boar came back I had a necklace all picked out.  Ummm, I'm not sure why he didn't let me get it. 

Incident #2

We decided to take a little trip to Las Vegas.  The same child as mentioned above was still a baby, now about 10 months old.  As I said before he was a very, very chubby baby.  He had fat rolls on his fat rolls.  He did not walk or crawl.  So we happily pushed him around in his stroller in the city of lights. 

Even though we couldn't gamble or go to nice, intimate restaurants there was one thing this ji-mungo child loved to do. Eat.  Our baby was the happiest cherub at every buffet in town. 

But then it hit.  The dreaded baby-explosive-diarrhea.  The kind of diarrhea that proliferates in unimaginable quantities out of the diaper; up the back, making it's way to his neck. I call it Poop-Cream. The fumes were enough to raise the dead.  In fact, I think it smelled like the dead. 

The diffusion of rotting flesh odor was exiting the stroller and knocking people down ten feet away.  There was no way to hide it as we walked in and out of these luxury hotels.  We happened to be in The Mirage when one of the oozing diarrhea explosions hit.  Our hotel was several blocks away on The Strip; too far to make it back. 

Somehow I was able to change the baby's diaper without incident using a whole box of baby wipes.  But now I was left with this pile of poopy clothes.  These were not just poopy-smears but cupfuls of drippy, poop-cream.  It was so bad, and the stench was ghastly. 

I convinced the husband that he should go into The Mirage's, very, very she-she-la-la, men's restroom to wash out the poop-cream from the clothes.  Somehow he agreed.  I mean come on, in his line of work (OB/GYN) people pooped on him all the time.  This would be nothing. 

So he goes into the very nice, very busy, restroom, which is right off the casino.   

The husband tosses the clothes in the water and has a sink full of brown poopy water.  I'm sure he was scrubbing away like he had a washboard because if you knew him, you would know he is very thorough. 

Lots of people saw I'm sure.  But when he came out and joined us, a group of young guys walked by and one said and pointed,  "Hey, there's that guy I told you about who shit himself in the bathroom and was trying to wash out his clothes". 

They all turned to look at us, laugh and walk away. 

I laughed so hard, I  cried.  The husband was not as amused by this vision of himself. 

We didn't leave our hotel that much after that.  What a party POO-per.

Again it's all my fault.

Incident #3

So anyway, when our youngest hooligan was about six months old we were at the mall.  Yes, again!  

We were happily shopping away at Neiman Marcus, minding our own business, looking at this, looking at that.  I mean, who's not happy at Neiman Marcus? 

The Wild Boar was going to try on some clothes and the baby was fussing.  He needed a bottle.  Badly. 

So while the Wild Boar went into the dressing room, I gave the baby a bottle. 

We sat relaxing in the beautiful leather loungers that Neiman's has there for it's customers.  The baby drank his usual 4 ounces of milk and when he finished totally freaked out; screaming and wailing these blood curdling screams.

Everyone was looking at me like I was pinching this baby or something.  I didn't know what to do.  So in all my geniusness I whipped out another bottle.  (Just know that he had never, ever drank two bottles at once.  I'm sure his stomach was way too small.  Okay, now I know his stomach was too small.) 

For god sakes, I was at Neiman's and everyone was looking at me like, "do something lady;  you're ruining the ambiance of our shopping experience!   And didn't you bring your nanny to handle problems like this?"  (This was typical think-smack talk in Orange County where we used to live.) 

But the baby took the bottle and started sucking it down.  I felt like a good mother.  I knew what my child needed and I provided for him. 

He happily sucked away and the husband returned from the dressing room with what he wanted to purchase. 

The baby had finished his bottle and I told the husband I would pay for the clothes if he would burp the baby. 

What I didn't tell him was that the baby had just eaten more than he had EVER eaten in one sitting, in his whole entire life. 

As I returned with the purchases, the baby let out a burp that was something comparative to what Jabba the Hut would emit from the depths of his bowels.  And along with that noise came projectile vomiting right into the Wild Boar's lap and on his shirt, the lounger and his glasses. 

I had never seen anything like it. 

If you have ever been the victim of baby-milk-barf then you know once it's been in the stomach it's returns all curdled and clumpy and oh yes, so stinky. 

He had pools and pools of barf in his crotch.  It was soooo nasty. 

Of course, I was laughing so hard I could barely stand up. 

There was nothing we could do.  The bathroom was on the 1st floor, we were not. 

So I did what any good wife and mother would do.  I grabbed the baby, smushed the barf off him, grabbed my other hooligan and we RAN.  Ran away from the husband towards the exit and the parking garage so that no one would know we were together. 

He was covered in sludge and it was dripping everywhere.  He looked like he had a very bad, unexplainable accident in the worst possible way and didn't have a barfy baby with him to explain it away. 

He left a trail of white, goopy-sludge as he walked and was shimmying like an elderly person so that the bulk of the sludge would not drip down and just remain between his legs. 

Everyone who passed him turned around.  And how did I know this?  I was hiding behind the clothes racks with the kids, watching as he walked along.  But then it happened...something dreadful.  He slipped in his own trail of muck...and fell. 

I laughed so hard I could not get up as I was holding the baby.  People were staring.  I didn't rescue him this time because I would have peeped my pants. 

The people who helped him up just stared at the barf curdles in his crotch in disbelief because they had no idea what it was.

We finally met at the car.  He had to take off his pants and drive home in his underwear. 

He didn't talk to me on that drive home and for a couple weeks after that.

I'm so, so sorry honey for all these things.  It was all so long ago, but obviously still so fresh in your mind.  I am truly, truly pained by your hurt. 

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40 Comments

  1. Soooo–did he get his new clothes in the end? These stories are painfully funny, and all-to-familiar to this old momma! Well done!

    Reply
  2. That last one was the hootiest of hoots! Oh my!
    All the stories brought back the horror of what babies can and do accomplish. Thanks for the Sunday morning laugh!

    Reply
  3. Greg 3

    Thanks – that was the perfect accompaniment to PostSecret and the NY Times.

    Reply
  4. I am the same way…when ever something happens, I laugh. It makes my husband and daughter so angry some times, but I can’t help it.

    All three of the stories were good, but the ending of the second one takes the cake. “Hey, there’s that guy I told you about who shit himself in the bathroom and was trying to wash out his clothes”. I would have fallen over laughing and not been able to get up for 15 minutes. That is truly funny!

    Reply
  5. Tiffany’s? With a baby. You are a brave couple.

    Reply
  6. I was literally laughing OUT LOUD during the third story. That is priceless.

    Reply
  7. krysta 7

    That was so hilarious! I needed a laugh after trying to write about creepy baseball coach.

    Reply
  8. LOL…Sounds like some good times!
    I too find hilarity in watching people fall. I honestly cannot help myself.

    Reply
  9. Too funny!

    Thanks for letting me know you tried some spring rolls. What did you think of the peanut sauce? Also, thanks for linking me on your blogroll. I would like to add you as well, if that’s ok. I am in desperate need to doing some blog maintenance/updates. :)

    Reply
  10. Oh my god, that was so funny I almost had an explosive episode of my own!!!

    I even took my laptop out and read your post to my family. TOO FUNNY!!!!!!

    Reply
  11. Why is it that the stories that involve poop or vomit are the funniest ones? Especially the ones that involve said poop or vomit getting on someone else? Laughing really hard over here!

    Reply
  12. I just short circuited my computer due to all the tears pouring out of my eyes while I laughed reading these. Too hilarious!

    Reply
  13. Mrs L 13

    Oh good lord, I’m laughing so hard my sides are hurting. Hysterical.

    Reply
  14. eliza 14

    oh my! you always bring out the best in your family eh? 😀
    does wild boar do some kind of Dirty Jobs like in Discovery channel? (when you said people pooped on him all the time) LOL!!
    you should write a memoir….

    Reply
  15. Oh. My. God.
    I can’t believe this.

    Reply
  16. We must be related.

    Reply
  17. Maggie 17

    OK, this might be my favorite post ever.

    Reply
  18. Anna 18

    Oh my.

    Reply
  19. april 19

    Oh Lord! I’m wiping tears from my eyes from laughing so hard. That poor man.

    Reply
  20. Mama DB 20

    Oh my word. I am laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Could be that I have been up since 3 AM and am a little punchy but I think it is more so that you are just so darn funny! and mean to that poor poor man, but funny! Did I mention funny?

    Reply
  21. Maria 21

    I think what really did it for me in terms of ROTFLMBBO was that he ROAD HOME IN HIS UNDERWEAR. Because, I mean, what if you had gotten stopped. I can see a whole Seinfeldian scenario here. Except with a baby.
    Glad to have discovered your blog in this delightful way!

    Reply
  22. This is the funniest thing I have read in a long, long time. Each incident just got better and better. I think I have to subscribe to your blog now and it’s only my first time here. Leave it to that Country Doctor’s Wife to know funny when she sees it.

    Reply
  23. Vonda 23

    Oh my gosh dang. I can’t stop laughing…this was so stinking funny. Oh the vision in my head of that poor man. Too funny.

    Reply
  24. Mary 24

    Sorry, can’t type straight as I am wiping my streaming reyes…I mean eyes. You are too funny!
    xoxo,
    Mary

    Reply
  25. cynthia 25

    We had some projectile vomiters, also.

    Very very funny.

    Reply
  26. OMGoodness! I literally just woke up my very own little ones laughing at the three incidents! I literally had to choose between pee-ing myself and letting them cry for another few minutes! They cried. I felt a little bad… but they are young and they will get over it…. Or one day they will blurt it out in a list of my “Crimes against humanity” and it will give someone a great laugh! Thank you!

    Reply
  27. Oh My Goodness! That was hilarious. They just kept getting better!

    Reply
  28. Stephanie 28

    I had to get up 3 times while reading the last story, just to stuff my face in a pillow-don’t want to wake my 20 month old with teary eyed laughter. Why is that dads almost always “never forgive” the moms for having to deal with the wonders of baby mess? What do they think happens when they aren’t around?

    Reply
  29. Gina 29

    That last story had me laughing out loud! I just can’t get over all three scenes, but the last one is the most hilarious! Thanks for sharing. I hope the hubby forgives you some day.

    Reply
  30. Annie 30

    I followed the link from Rechelle (TCDW) and I am laughing so hard I think that I about to lose it. Oh gawd you are funny.\!

    Reply
  31. Biz 31

    OMG, the washing the poo clothes out in the men’s washroom made me laugh out loud!

    Reply
  32. This is almost painfully hilarious because I would have laughed until I wet myself had that been my own hubby. I can’t help it, when I see someone fall, especially slip and falls, or trips — and no one is injured, I always laugh. It just happens.

    The Little Imp is my husbands first ever child and watching him change his first blow-out diaper was almost too much to bare. I was on the floor…in hysterical fits of laughter.

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  33. heather 33

    man, that was awful. i couldn’t stop laughing. wonder why he still remembers those times?

    Reply
  34. OMG, I laughed like crazy, but I am glad I didn’t live through any of it. The best part of it is that almost all of those people you were exposed to during those incidents, you’ll never ever see again. Still I understand the Wild Boar’s pain at the time and the recurring memories. I am somewhat surprised you convinced him to have a second child! LOL

    Reply
  35. melissa 35

    I don’t know how I missed this post. I think it’s one of your funniest! Damn I’m laughing! Poor WB. My husband fell off the steps and broke his ankle and I saw him do it from behind the curtain and I laughed not realizing he could hear me and for months all I heard was I can’t believe you laughed at me you might have well pushed me off the steps yourself. Damn that was funny!

    Reply
  36. Cathy, I don’t know how I found your blog, but am so glad I did.

    I hope you don’t mind, I added a link from this post into my blog. It will post on 1/13/09.

    I love this story, great

    Reply
  37. Lara 37

    I am so glad you linked to this post because I am CRACKING UP. Story #2 is my favorite. Hahahaha. I heart you.

    Reply
  38. What a great way to start my day I love laughing so hard while staring at a computer monitor. You are the consummate story teller, and these stories are priceless. Poor Wild Boar!

    Reply
  39. Melynda 39

    Man O Man, did I need to laugh, thanks!

    Reply
  40. Marie 40

    Omigosh, you are hysterical. These stories brought back memories as my husband was ALWAYS the one who got barfed on. I once brought him a colander as a joke when he requested a trash can to dump the contents of his lap into.

    Reply

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