Extravagant Stupidity


Yes, I really do live in the world’s most abnormal town.  And that is putting it lightly.  I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. 

In 1995 a toad tunnel was erected with fanfare in my town to allow unsuspecting toads to reach the other side of a road.  How sweet, right? 

The animal lovers and uber liberals who reside in this town along with a less than conventional mayor at the time were losing sleep over the fact that toads were going to cross a road.  To get to a pond.  Where a new overpass was being constructed; possibly interrupting their safe passageway.  The likelihood of toadkill was too much for them to get a grip on, so a fantastical, ludicrous toadway was engineered and constructed under the now built overpass.

For some background, the mayor also wanted to build the new police station made with straw bale construction (oh,what a secure jail that would be) and plant fruit trees all over the city for homeless people to graze on.  We also don’t turn on our downtown city lights at night so that it doesn’t interrupt the star-light that could possibly reach our town from galaxies far away.  Seriously, insert the Twilight Zone music here (dew-dew-dew-dew,dew-dew-dew-dew).  Oh, and let’s not forget that we have a law banning plastic pink flamingos from inhabiting our front yards.  I’m not even joking.  I’M NOT!

This is the overpass that replaced the dirt lot where the toads sometimes (sometimes is the key word here) congregated.

The tunnel for toad traffic was such a joke that it got much play on CNN and Comedy Central.  It was pathetic.

So as if the useless expenditure of public money wasn’t enough…

a toad city was built right next to the famous toad tunnel entrance.

And here it is folks, the famous doorway to Oz.  Completely lame.

This is the toad hotel, where it was thought the toads could stop for an over-nighter before they made the treacherous crossing under the road.  This was only rated a three-star establishment until solar panels were placed on top making it environmentally sound and a five star spa since the pool could now be heated.

See the swing doors on this place?  It’s the saloon.  Toads could sling back some brewskis while sitting on toadstools before heading into unknown blackness deep under the earth. 

Yeah, it would take more than a few brewskis before I would enter some black cavernous hole to oblivion all in the name of making tadpoles in some mucky pond at the other end. Forget  it!

This is Madame Toadtilla’s Psychic Palace. Many of the toads were very superstitious and went to Madame Toadtilla to see if safe passage was in their cards.  If she saw in the crystal ball or the Toad Tarot cards that snakes, other predators or chefs looking for frog legs might be hiding in the tunnel or at the other end, the toads would stay another night at the hotel.  I swear this happened. 

So in all honesty, this 21 inch wide and 18 inch high toadway of love, was never used.  NEVER!  So to encourage its utilization, the geniuses that thought of this Alice in Wonderlandic fairy tale domain decided to add light so the toads could see.  Some unsuspecting toads were drawn to the lights (they probably thought it was Vegas) and were basically fried by the heat of the lamps.  Those that did somehow get through were picked off by birds waiting at the other end.  If you were a bird and you discovered a toad-producing hole, wouldn’t you take advantage of it?

So, the tunnel began to create many issues of its own.  Toad town became a ghost town.  Toads disappeared all together. And with any ghost town undesirables could move in.  This made city officials very nervous and they did not want to give up hope on the toad tunnel.  The army reserves were sent in to protect the tunnel from being used by other unwelcome and objectionable characters.

The reserves had been stationed there for a while and saw no activity.  It seemed as if the panic about the tunnel being taken over by hostiles was all for nothing.

They waited….

and stood guard day and night, until one day…

a wicked, bizarre circus-monkey came to the tunnel looking for some sort of cinematic, adventurous ride.  The army reserves were able to surround him and keep him from entering the toadway for his roller-coastering ride through the toad-toon-town-tunnel.  The monkey eventually went back to the circus and again the army reserves were left to guard this very special but now protected crossing.

Then it happened.  A family of sheep known only by their first names, Lambert, Shearsly, Baabet, Woolsy and Floxy came to the tunnel looking for safe passage.  They brought riches in gold this craggy battalion of reservists had never seen.  The sheep begged them for their freedom having fled their farm in the middle of the night; barely escaping persecution for not going along with the ins-and-outs of farm life fodder.

The reservists gave in to their sad story and golden riches…and let them pass, betraying their duty as officers of the armed forces.

No one is sure if the sheep ever made it.

So with all the gold the reservists acquired, they abandoned their post knowing they would be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law for their crimes of accepting bribery and allowing anyone other than a TOAD pass through the pipe.

What’s funny is, once the army left…

One lonely FROG appeared. 

Post a Comment

16 Comments

  1. Only you could turn a simple sight seeing trip though a toad road into a sheepish journey!
    And thank goodness you do it regularly… I love your stories!

    Reply
  2. Dawn 2

    LMAO!!!!!!!!! Clearly, your Mayor now lives in a looney bin, right? RIGHT??!!!!

    Reply
  3. Girl. You’re like my butt, you Crack. Me. Up. Lu-huv this here post – prolly one of my favorite-est posts of all-time – of all blogs ever! I’m not being flatterous – flatterelious… whatever. Just so funny.

    I love that you use big pics too. I’m trying to get my hubs to help me do that, but he’s a busy man… so until I can direct his attentions to my blog-needs – I am envious of you photo-bigness…

    I need more sleep. Thanks for such a fun and creative post. You’ve inspired me to get creative wiht my own community quirks… I live in “Little Norway”… I may need to get creative with our next Lutefisk eating contest. Ew. That’s in May… yeah, that gives me time to come up with something :)

    Reply
  4. amy 4

    Hilarious!! And you are moving from this town soon, right? To your patch of heaven? Something tells me you can’t get out of there quick enough!

    Reply
  5. Deb 5

    Cathy at first when I saw the sign I thought maybe you were at the winery! Toad Hollow is one of my favorite wines!
    Anyhow, back to your Toad Hollow, frogs and toads are my favorite. In fact, check out my blog from the other day, I could not believe the toad that made a visit!
    This post is too fun!!!! Hopefully you move to your winery soon!

    Reply
  6. Lol!! Such a funny post! I cant believe how crazy your mayor is! I think he belongs in the wacky shack!

    Reply
  7. Best post ever! I cannot believe this place actually exists :)

    Reply
  8. mary 8

    Oooh, I think I just gave myself a hernia, I’m laughing so hard! :)
    xoxo,
    Mary

    Reply
  9. I’ve been waiting for you to tell this story ever since you teased us in your about section with the whole special toad passage way.

    Oh how I needed the smile this post gave me. :)

    Reply
  10. This is the best blog I’ve read in weeks, except for my own of course! You might be a bigger goofball than I am and that is saying something. Love the food too. Looks yummy. Looking forward to more wine info. So I can be impressive at next get together new wine knowledge. Ta ta –

    Reply
  11. Cakelaw 11

    I laughed so hard reading this! In Oz, we have a serious cane toad problem, and people go out of their way to run them over. There won’t be any toad tunnels for those guys.

    Reply
  12. Kimberly 12

    To the Beautiful One,

    I’ve been thinking (don’t be suprised) why don’t you write children stories or just short funny stories and get them published. Just think more $$$$$ for the winery.

    XOXO,

    Me

    Reply
  13. Seriously- one of the funniest posts I’ve read in a looooong time. I thought you were making up the whole thing in your profile. I’m glad to know the full story, now.

    Reply
  14. I can’t imagine how much time it took for you to set that all up but all I can say is…it was time well spent! Thanks for a good laugh!

    Reply
  15. Kate 15

    I still have dial-up at home, so when I saw this post was taking too long to load, I had to wait until I got to work today to view it. I read it, though and then today, upon viewing it, I am just sitting here smiling. People are asking me what’s so funny. You’re out standing in your field!

    Reply
  16. I’ve always seen the bit about the toads on your sidebar so it’s neat to get an explanation. Love the story with all the “characters” as much as I did the chocolate-covered liquor/liqueur ones–too funny! BTW, outside Calgary on the way to Banff, a wildlife underpass and overpass have been constructed and in operation for some time. (Our tour guide for Banff was ranting about them. LOL) So, everyday people scoff at them, but park service people believe in them. link to cpawscalgary.org We didn’t see any animals crossing when we passed through … maybe they all cross at night, and the toads do, too. LOL 😉

    Shirley

    Reply

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