Coffin Delivery


So one day I was at home, minding my own business; doing laundry, scrubbing toilets, grabbing a fistful of M&M’s every time I passed the candy dish, kids at my heels every step of the way.  The doorbell rang.

Of course the kids run to the window, “It’s the brown truck mommy”. 

Nothing unusual, the brown truck stops here often since there is NO COOL SHOPPING where I live.  I didn’t think much of the box now sitting on my dining room table.  I was more concerned with getting the hooligans down for a nap so I COULD open the mystery box. 

I didn’t recognize the sender but figured it was likely some techno-geek-gadget the Wild Boar had ordered.  The box was heavy, maybe a fifth computer for our house or the seventh DVD player because we are barely surviving with four computers and six movie machines.  Or maybe it was another fifty miles of black wire the Wild Boar likes to amass in boxes in the garage;  I think we have enough cable to sling ourselves to the moon and back at least thirty times.

Anyway, kids in bed, me with a knife to cut the tape keeping me from the secret contents inside; even though deep down I know I will be hugely disenchanted with the innards of this package.  Its boring contents to match my boring, mundane existence.

Alright, it’s open; lots of styrofoam jimmies…lots…digging…digging…eeeeee-gads!?!?  Why am I hearing the eerie chorus of children singing nursery rhymes?

Ummm…what the heck is this?  An epitaph for wine…this is creepy and freaky all at the same time.


A poizinous wine?  A wooden box of poizinous wine?  The children’s singing is getting louder.  I have this horrible, sickening feeling Chuckie is going to appear around the corner and bite my ankles off.


A wooden-box of poizinous wine fully etched with a Skull and Crossbones?


In its own personal coffin?  My stomach turned over about nineteen times.  Who the heck sent me a potion fit for a poltergeist?  Halloween was months away.

But to make matters worse, it wasn’t just the “one coffin wonder” now sitting on my table; staring at me like a death wish ready to happen.  It was…


the three coffins with Poizin wine staring at me giving me diarrhea.  I did not order this wine.  There was no gift card (but who would admit to this gift). 

I just sat there staring at it. Dumbfounded.  Creeped out.  And awaiting a zombie attack I just knew was going to happen at any moment.

I dug through the jimmies and found a packing slip with Blah Blah Delivery Company named as the shipper.

I grabbed the phone, called them up and demanded to know who had sent me this bewitchingly, not-so-funny, wine assault in FREAKIN’ coffins!

What I was sure was a vampire on the other line, said, “Oops, so sorry.  That package was not meant for you.  It was sent to you by mistake.” (Apparently I had ordered wine from a place before using this particular shipping company).

Uhhhhh, you don’t send three coffins to someone and just say, “Oops!”  I mean I’m sitting here hearing strange, eerie melodies and waiting for Chuckie and the zombies.  Whatever. 

“The wine is yours,” said the vampira on the other end of the line.  Too much trouble to come back out and pick it up I guess.  My lucky day, right?

I don’t believe in accidents.  I believe the universe serves you exactly what you are supposed to get.  And I was getting death wine.  An early warning sign of something dramatic to come.  Why?  I don’t know.  But now it was “free death wine”. 

Hmmm, I guess I could be coaxed into drinking it.  You know, just a little taste.  And wouldn’t it be the perfect Halloween wine?  I’m in.

2000 Armida Reserve Zinfandel Dry Creek Valley $65

So it turns out this is a special wine.  Every year Armida Winery sources their best lots of Zin to make up the Poizin blend.

This wine was all dark fruit up front; blackberry, plum, dark cherries.  It was bold.  It was jammy.

The oak aging was apparent with hints of vanilla and brown spice that was well integrated with the fruit.

This wine had great structure, which I think comes from the Petit Sirah that is blended with this wine.

Trust me, this wine will satisfy all your mature candy cravings on Halloween and beyond.

But here’s the thing.  The wine coffins have found their home on the bottom shelf of a wine rack.  I mean it’s not like you can get rid of these things.  You can’t.  The coffins are now part of the family; if coffins can become part of the family?? 

I remember when a friend begged me, offered me money, promised to babysit my children like forever, promised me riches and fame if I would let her have one of my coffins.  She was desperately in love with these things; it was kind of weird actually.  You know what she wanted it for…this might gross you out…it grossed me out…

She was pregnant at the time and wanted to bury her placenta in it…in her backyard…Eeeewww!  I mean, have you ever seen a placenta?  It looks like a brisket.  It does!  I saw mine and then begged them to take it away.  Very yucky.  I can’t imagine leaving the hospital with my precious infant and the side of meat that accompanied him inside my womb.  Sorry if you buried your placenta under a tree.  It’s not for me.  The incinerator welcomed mine with open flames, and I was good with that.

ANYWAY, these coffins have their place, in my house.  But imagine my horror when I went into my youngest hooligan’s room yesterday and found this…


Ummm, yeah, little coffin beds for his little stuffed friends.  I laughed and cried all at once.  So innocent, but morbid, at least to me.

And one more thing Armida also makes this wine, in the same bottle, in the same coffins but with a Pink Skull and Crossbones”.  They donate some of the profits to Breast Cancer Research.  And don’t get me wrong, that is wonderful and generous.  BUT, if you were a breast cancer survivor and someone brought you a bottle of pink death wine in a coffin to support your fight of the disease….wouldn’t you totally freak out?  Wouldn’t you? 

So did you drink any thing poisonous last night you’d like to tell me about?

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16 Comments

  1. Bwah-hahahaha That last picture was totally unexpected. Shot coffee right out of my nose, so thanks. No poison for me last night, but I would definitely serve it at a Halloween party.

    Reply
  2. A friend of mine sent me a link to your blog and I love it. The recipes you look amazing and your writing style is great. Oh…and I loved the pictures of the stuffed animals in the coffins. Looks like something my daughter would have done!

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  3. I love the little coffins. Love your creative posts.

    Last night I had a very “poisonous” homemade lemon drop martini. :)

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  4. I’m with Chelsea. I am very glad I had just swallowed my coffee. At first, toddlers and Kinders just look for a perfect use for everything they come across. Later as third graders, they will become morbid creatures and laugh at stringing dolls up or burying them “alive” in Zinfandel coffins.

    I actually have been a fan of Armida for a while, but have only tried Poizin a couple of times. Not the biggest monster zin, but definitely the zombie at the window: Zin Crack for the addicted.

    Methinks you will never gaze at those brown shorts hopping out of the truck the same way again!

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  5. You. are. so. lucky! Except for the strangely ominous part, but I bet that added to the flavor. Love the stuffed toy beds by the way, those boxes alone look worth the price!

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  6. The coffins are right up my alley! Seriously. I don’t do red wine, so probably wouldn’t drink the poison. I’m thrilled to see the coffins getting good use!

    I didn’t get a chance with all my upheaval yesterday to answer your geek question. I’m really none of the above. My grand dad owned a wine importing business and I’ve been exposed to wines since I was quite small. However, I don’t know squat about soil conditions and wouldn’t even attempt the convo. I do know about regions. I’m an opportunistic wine drinker. I don’t seek it out, but I like it well enough when it’s in front of me. I’ve been known to pour it out on the ground (not the floor and not theatrically) when it’s not worth drinking. No point in spending $12 a glass to torture your mouth. Does that make me a snob?

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  7. For me last night? A very dirty Ketel One up with three olives. I was on a college-visiting trip with my daughter, and I needed it something fierce.

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  8. Umm, HOW THE HELL COME I DON’T GET FREE EXPENSIVE WINE FROM THE BROWN TRUCK???

    And I hate to keep quoting you, but

    “I think we have enough cable to sling ourselves to the moon and back at least thirty times.”

    priceless. KINDA LIKE FREE WINE.

    Reply
  9. God, I know nothing about wine. Nothing. But I am learning not to judge the wine by the bottle. Maybe you got Tim Burton’s order?

    You are a great storyteller and now I want to learn more about wine.

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  10. Jessica 10

    Wow that is a creepy that you got wine that came in their own coffins! That picture with the stuffed animals was so funny!

    Reply
  11. donna 11

    hilarious! so excited to have found you through mike (of foodnwineblog). just started visiting… and im hooked.

    Reply
  12. That’s just cool.

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  13. Janet 13

    I was there with you every step of the way, I could hear the music (there’s a thought add sounds to this), made me grab my glass of – you guessed it – zinfandel rose from glorious sunny California (available at Tesco in the England). A toast to you and your brilliant website. Your site brought home the bacon, noble pig!

    Reply
  14. Neat story. I could only imagine the suspense until you found out the origin of the wine. And, I can see why you wouldn’t want to get rid of the coffins. Funny and cute how the youngest hooligan used them. Free wine is always a good thing. You might never have found that wine otherwise. I agree on the pink poizin though …

    Shirley

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  15. I forgot how good this post was. The ingenuity of your boys made me laugh again.

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  16. It’s funny how a word so innocent in one meaning is bad in another (refering to coffin)LOL

    Reply

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