Chocolate Magnetism: A Tragically, Tragic Love Story of Survival and Loss


This is Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj.  They have been together now for 32 years. They met in 1976 at Bonaparte’s Bar in Kansas City, Missouri.  Borghetti was a shy bottle looking away as Mr. Stoli Ohranj approached her table. However, Borghetti was put right at ease with Mr. Stoli Ohranj’s deep velvety voice as he complemented Borghetti on her beautiful brown wrapper that she had spent so much time ironing earlier in the evening. 

From that night on Borghetti knew she would be with Mr. Stoli Ohranj for the rest of her life.  She loved him almost instantly with his daring orange wrapper with scripty writing.  He was exciting, cool, fresh and new.  Borghetti loved citrus and SHE fell in love with Mr. Stoli Ohranj.  She fell hard. They married two weeks later.

Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were very fertile.  They had many children in a very short, short amount of time.  They tried very hard to name each child with a fitting name and came up with the following; there was Southern Comfort, Grand Marnier, Malibu Rum, Sauza Tequila, identical twins Jack & Jack Daniels, Stoli Ragberi, Galliano and last but not least baby Drambuie. 

Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were very young and very naive.  No one had really spoken to them about birth control and all these children seemed to just keep coming.  But Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj did not mind.  They loved all their children very, very much and would do anything to create a happy home.  The dedication they had for each other and to their nine children was truly that of a family that loved and respected each other.  It was a beautiful thing.

Things were going well, the children were growing up and everything seemed all too perfect. 

And then it happened…something was wrong…terribly wrong with their babies.

The kids started to throw up.  They threw up day and night; in the bed, in the toilet, on the carpet.  Borghetti couldn’t keep up with what initially seemed like the flu but turned out to be a much, much worse fate.

Lot’s of testing was done on the whole family.  Fluids were extracted from each family member and genetic testing was sent out to many labs in the country.  When the results were finally verified by many top physicians all over the world, the diagnosis was delivered to Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Orange, and it was not good.

See, Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj being, well, small, chocolate bottles filled with alcohol, were at a constant 0.08% blood alcohol level.  I mean how could they not be, THEY ARE BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL.  However, being in that constant state of legal limit drunkenness since birth, they have been able to adjust and live a normal life. As they became adults they have adapted to the feelings and effects that this amount of blood alcohol level can have on someone.  They never drink because that would raise their blood alcohol even further and they would not be able to cope or function.

So what was discovered was a very rare occurrence when Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj reproduced.  ALL of their children were born with blood alcohol levels of 0.16%.  This was double of what each parent was on their own.  This was a very rare phenomena and had never been seen before in the medical community.  All nine children had been affected with super-alcohol-syndrome (SAS), it was very, very strange.

As time went on all the children learned to live with their affliction.  They were able to cope with the effects of the alcohol but had to be very very careful in their choice of activities as one wrong move could often leave them feeling ill, dizzy or just plain awful. 

Despite this setback all of the children were very, very intelligent and went on to have interesting lives and careers, but tragedy had not left these poor people’s lives.  In fact it had just begun.

Southern Comfort was the eldest child.  He was a leader and was highly creative.  He had written and directed many science fiction films and was currently working on a new film called simply, “STAR WARS”. 

Things seemed to be going well as production was under way and a summer release of the film was planned. 

Until one day when Southern Comfort let his alcohol level do the talking.  He got into a pissing match with Darth Vader, the film’s bad guy.  Southern Comfort said things that were very, very insulting to Darth Vader’s acting abilities and a pushing match ensued.  Pretty soon punches were thrown, and then it happened…Darth Vader turned on his Lightsaber and with one swoosh…

took off Southern Comfort’s head.

And then he kicked him over…

Southern Comfort was dead.  All because he couldn’t control his alcohol infused words. 

And of course Darth Vader went to jail for the rest of his life.  But that was not enough to ease the pain of Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj, they were very sad.

They decided to stay strong, as they had eight other children in their life.  But as life continued on it seemed as if tragedy had not yet hit hard enough.

The identical twins, Jack & Jack Daniels decided to live the rest of their lives as livestock farmers on the prairie of Oklahoma.  They had many animals and enjoyed their work immensely.  The prairie was very different from the big city where they grew up but they loved the open countryside and lifestyle they had made for themselves.  Being identical twins they grew up trying to be completely opposite in everything they would do but as adults they realized that the things they wanted were exactly the same.  The ranch they ran had many types of farm animals and both Jack’s enjoyed the diversity in care that these animals required.

The problem was that working a ranch was very hard work.  With their double-alcohol whammy and as they were getting older, Jack & Jack seemed to require more sleep.  Alcohol can have that effect.  Unfortunately, this did not fare well for the brothers.  One afternoon while pitching hay, Jack and Jack fell asleep in one of the grazing pastures of the wild mustangs and cattle. 

Jack & Jack were trampled by the wild livestock and once again Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were saddened by theie catastrophic loss.

The love for each other and their other children kept them going, but it was hard.

Now Grand Marnier was one of the more difficult children of the group.  She lived the high life, hung out with celebrities, drank wine, did drugs, flew in private jets and liked fast cars. 

It all wouldn’t be so bad except for the drinking and drugs part.  With her illness, taking part in these activities was very, very irresponsible.  It left her clueless as to what was going on around her and half the time did not even know where she was.  It did not help that she was often hanging out with the wrong crowd. 

It was only a matter of time before Grand Marnier’s life came to a tragic ending.

In Grand Marnier’s fragile state, she forgot to put on her emergency brake when she parked facing downward on a hill.  When the car started to roll forward Grand Marnier threw herself in front of her beloved hotrod but it was no match for this girl.  Her life ended in a dreadful way. 

Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were beside themselves and started to question why this bad luck had befallen them.  How could they go on; it was going to be difficult.

Stoli Ragberi, Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj’s fourth child was a chip right off the old block.  He was a design engineer just like his father and was courted by Lego right out of college.  Stoli Ragberi was one of the more popular design employees as he had a special eye for what he thought kid’s today really wanted to build.  He had just celebrated his 5th anniversary with Lego and a promotion to Sr. Vice President looked promising.

Stoli Ragberi had started a new medication a couple days earlier for some headaches that had been showing up off and on.  His new doctor did not factor in his current condition of SAS with the new medication.  While walking on the catwalks above the manufacturing area of the Lego plant, Stoli Ragberi felt dizzy and fell a great distance into a tank.

He was instantly covered with Lego parts that were already filling into the tank.  The crew could not shut off the fill lever in time to save Stoli Ragberi from this terrible fate. 

More sadness and tragedy was not what this family needed, it pained them immensely.  There were only four children left.

Now Sauza Tequila was an interesting fellow.  He loved animals and went on to be a zookeeper for one of the leading zoos in the United States.  He loved his job but often worked nights in order to observe the animals in their state of nocturnal activity.  This left him very, very sleepy; more sleepy than his already heightened state of lethargy due to his illness caused by over-the-top blood alcohol levels. 

So one night, Sauza Tequila, was very, very tired.  He fed some of the animals but in his state of exhaustion had forgotten to lock the panda bear’s cage.

Sauza Tequila was no match for the panda bears.  They are vicious.  Again the illness had claimed yet another life in a round-a-bout sort of way.

Very, very sad and heartrending.

Malibu Rum was a fisherman by trade.  He loved sailing around in his boat and doing what fisherman do.  However, he did not fare well with inclement weather.

One day, a storm blew in out of nowhere.  The waves were choppy and made Malibu Rum feel very seasick.  I mean he always felt awful due to his SAS but this was too much for even this craggy old sailor.  He became so nauseated, he slipped and fell into the ocean.

A hammerhead shark didn’t think twice about gobbling him up. 

It was yet another painful reminder to Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Orange of the terrible illness they had put on their children.  Life was hard.

Galliano was the second daughter Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj had.  She was a strikingly, beautiful girl in her shiny purple wrapper and her confidence showed in how she carried herself on a daily basis.

Ever since she was a child she loved the stars and space and everything having to do with galaxies far, far away.  She was one of NASA’s leading scientists and was most focused on predicting meteor showers around the globe; this was in hopes of being able to take samples of a just fallen meteor that could help scientists understand space a little bit more.

Unfortunately, Galliano programmed her GPS incorrectly that night.  Her illness was later blamed for her fatal mistake.

Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were once again devastated.

The youngest of all the children was baby Drambuie.  He had seen all his siblings tragically die due to the family illness that had plagued all of the children, including himself.  However, this did not stop baby Drambuie from continuing in his unusual career as a snake charmer.  He was fearless of these creatures and had learned to not make sudden moves when working with them. 

However, with his illness, it was often difficult to control some of his movements during constant spells of wooziness.

As baby Drambuie went into an unplanned and uncontrollable bottle spin…the snakes flipped out and one tied himself around baby Drambuie until he popped his top off.  Needless to say, it was over for baby Drambuie and for all the children of the family.

It was tragic that this family with nine children had all been tragically lost due to complications of their disease.

Borghetti and Mr. Stoli Ohranj were alone again but their hearts would never be the same.

The End.

Post a Comment

20 Comments

  1. oh. my. stars.

    this is absolutely, hands-down, the most hilarious and genius creation i’ve ever seen. and such a sacrifice (of chocolate)! i love your commentary and your toys and your creativity (nice vomit, by the way).

    let me be the first to thank you for putting so much time and effort into entertaining and amusing us!

    Reply
  2. Annie 2

    Ok. Where on earth did you get the idea for this? That was too much! Loved it!

    Although, I have to know.. why didn’t you drink them? I would have downed them, then sent them to their deaths. I love those chocolate booze thingies lol.

    Reply
  3. Kate 3

    I’m guessing you had duplicates of all the miniature bottles, drank all them, then wrote this. A-ha! I’m correct, n’est ce pas?

    Oh, and I’ve heard that pandas have a huge mean streak. Poor Sauza Tequila!

    Reply
  4. NNNNoooooo! Not Grand Marnier! I love her!

    Thank you for a very entertaining read. I love your use of props and appreciate your sacrefice!

    Reply
  5. Please tell me you cleaned up this diorama with a straw! Wonderful!

    Reply
  6. Maggie 6

    My God, woman. Your brain is a vast and cavernous land of scary strangeness.

    I think I love you.

    Reply
  7. Krissy 7

    Very good post!

    I could so get drunk right now!!!

    Reply
  8. Anna 8

    Sauza Tequila was so macho…so attractive. I was sad when he died.

    The pandas were cute, though.

    Reply
  9. nutmeg 9

    Girl, I want to party with you!

    Reply
  10. amy 10

    Hilarious!! This was the funniest thing I have read in a long time. Seriously, Darth Vader rocks!

    Reply
  11. BetteJo 11

    Never in a million years would I have the creativity or knowledge of alcoholic beverages to write something like that! Lol!

    Wonderful introduction to your blog!

    Reply
  12. Liz C. 12

    Did someone have a bit too much time on their hands last weekend? ROFL… great piece.

    I too, hated to see Grand Marnier bite the dirt (or the chocolate as it were). VERY humorous & most entertaining. Keep it coming! Hope you were able to schlurp it up.

    Reply
  13. One of the funniest posts I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for making me laugh at the demise of the happy family.

    Reply
  14. Omg, I love it, except I almost cried when little SoCo got his head cut off by Vader. Seriously though, your pictures and writing are fantastic, you could write some great picture books for adult-children (like me):)

    Reply
  15. Genius.

    Reply
  16. Oh my goodness! Little chocolate bottles filled with alcohol? That sounds yummy. I want some for breakfast now.

    Reply
  17. dawn 17

    You are a crazy genius.

    Reply
  18. See what having the hooligans’ toys all around and an abundant supply of little bottles of chocolate-covered liquor/liqueurs can do to a creative girl?? LMAO!!! I think Grand Marnier and Malibu were my favorites … art imitating life and all that. 😉 Wonderful. Glad you are linking to your posts from a year ago so I can easily read all these gems!

    Shirley

    Reply
  19. Kathi 19

    So funny! Creative Genius! I love reading your blog, and including the reads from a year ago is a big bonus since I hadn’t discovered you yet. Thanks for all the smiles.

    Reply
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