10 Things You Should Know Before Your Next Trip to the Gynecologist


Being the wife of an OB/GYN I’ve heard some things.

Way too many things…some sad, some happy and a boatload of really weird, bizarre and wacky, gross, disgusting things.

Many of which I absolutely would NEVER repeat.  You would never believe me anyway.

But from my unique perspective I feel I have some invaluable information to pass on to the rest of the world about what you should know or do to prepare for your next visit to the doc down under.

This very useful information is in no way meant to freak or gross you out.  Just a simple public service announcement I hope you find helpful. 

If you are a man reading this, before you twitch and pass out, simply pass this information on to that special someone who will appreciate you for thinking of them.

1.  Foot odor is worse than bum odor.  Now what do I mean here.  Well ladies, let’s face it, we prepare our bottoms so diligently for the visit; washing, soaking, buffing, puffing and fluffing.  Then we put on our old, closed-up, stinky shoes while barefoot.  By the time your feet get in those stir-ups the stench can mirror that of a dead animal.  Remember, your docs face is right next to your feet.  Next time, wear flip-flops to your visit, the world will be a better place.

2.  Remove all toilet paper wads.  We all take that last potty break before the dreaded exam.  However, what happens is that we are so concerned about wiping ourselves so meticulously that wads and wads of tiny toilet paper balls are left behind on our bottom.  These wads must be removed before your exam begins.  They must!  Of course you would never know that this waste removal process is going on down there because your doctor is not going to tell you!  But believe me that’s what they are doing before the exam officially begins.  If there is any lull between lying down and the exam starting, you know you are being de-wadded.  You don’t want to be remembered this way.  You really don’t.

3.  Pedicures are priceless.  While your doc is asking you to scoot your bottom down to the end of the table (you know what I’m talking about) and it feels like you are scooting to the end of the earth…your doctor is looking at your pedicure.  Don’t go with your cracked up nails and your unshaven big toes.  This is all they have to look at.  Believe me your doc is NOT looking at your privates at this point.  For a gynecologist, looking at privates is like looking at an elbow.  Boring.  Yawn.  They’ve seen them all, but the feet are interesting so take pride in your toes before you go.  If you wear socks they know you’re hiding something.

4.  Breast-jam is worse than toe-jam.  Girls please, the breast exam is awkward enough.  I mean there is nothing worse than making small talk with your doctor while they examine your breasts.  I think it’s worse than the other unmentionable exam because you have to look them straight in the eye while they look and touch our saggy messes.  But do not make it more horrific by not cleaning any accumulation of grit and sludge that may be hidden in the under the breast area.  Remember your doc is not wearing gloves at this point so don’t gross them out.

5.  Remove all piercings down there!  You would think this is common sense but apparently it’s not.  Your doctor doesn’t want to see it.  No matter how cool you think it is, they don’t.  I promise you.  Girls, especially if you are going to surgery, or having a baby for God’s sake, TAKE THEM OUT!  They make you remove all jewelry before an operation why would you think this does not fall under that realm.

Okay, numbers 6 thru 10 are so gross I can’t even write about them.  I can’t.  They are too horrible.  Trust me.           

Post a Comment

26 Comments

  1. You had me at breast jam.

    Reply
  2. Krissy 2

    Ha,Ha,Ha,Ha!

    Yeah, cleavage cottage cheese is always quite embarrassing!

    Ok…I’m telling a story!
    My doc made me ummmm….pass some gas (hey, you cannot push on a prego womens stomach if you don’t want a fart to escape). Anyway, the smell ranked right up there with hot garbage! he left the room, and I think he gagged!

    But my feet are always spectacular smelling! Yep, I use ordor eaters! Maybe I should use some for my ass next time!!!

    LOVE THE POST!

    Reply
  3. amy 3

    Well thank goodness I’m doing something right! Pedicures are my guilty pleasure so my toes always look HOT!

    Reply
  4. Lordy.

    Reply
  5. I’m so un-nerved by 1-5 that I don’t think I could handle 6-10. Thanks for wigging me out…

    Reply
  6. Maybe I’m the only weird one- I want to know what 6-10 are. This cracked me up.I’ve always wondered what ob/gyns talk about at the dinner table.

    Thanks for commenting on my blog. I’ll definitely be stopping back by.

    Reply
  7. Well – if this post isn’t timely! I have my annual exam tomorrow. It looks like I’ll be painting my toenails tonight!

    Reply
  8. pam 8

    Oh great, now more stuff to think about!

    Reply
  9. andi 9

    Excellent tips. So, so grim. The breast jam thing made me shudder.

    Thanks for leaving a comment over at my place. :)

    Reply
  10. eliza 10

    oh, this is hilarious…does it still apply if my OB/GYN is a woman? :)

    BTW, you’ve been tagged by me, click here“>http://fooddiary.blogsome.com/2008/02/20/here-i-go/”>here. hope you could play along.

    Reply
  11. eliza 11

    sorry..i messed up with the link. here it is again: link to fooddiary.blogsome.com

    Reply
  12. nutmeg 12

    Where have you been all my life?

    Please, please, please finish the list!

    Love your blog title, love your tag line, love your about paragraph! I’m hooked.

    Reply
  13. Maggie 13

    DUDE. This. is. hysterical.

    I’m with Nutmeg, how did I not know your blog? Actually, that’s not true – you sound familiar and I can’t place it yet. Give me time.

    So happy you came to visit me so now I’ve found you!

    Reply
  14. Candi 14

    Too funny! You have to post the rest of the list!

    This is the first time I have ever been able to say this at someone’s blog… I am a physician recruiter! If you hubby ever wants a new job send me an email :) LOL!

    I came here from Jenny on the Spot, nice to meet you!

    Reply
  15. Dawn 15

    LMAO! THAT was hilarous! You HAVE to post the rest…pretty please???

    Reply
  16. Molly 16

    Shit, I always leave my socks on, but it’s just because my feet get cold, I swear!

    I have to know what 6-10 are!

    Found this through nutmeg. So glad I did.

    Reply
  17. Natalie 17

    Oh. my. gosh. You are hliarious! I leave my socks on, too. I’ve got plantar warts that I don’t want anybody to see.

    So uh, hypothetically speaking, say some girl hasn’t been to the gyno since her post-partum check-up for her child who is now four? What do Gyno’s think of that?

    PLEASE finish this list!

    Reply
  18. Thanks for the tips :)

    Reply
  19. dawn 19

    There is nothing worse than breast sludge…ugh…something else to worry about.

    Reply
  20. I couldn’t hit this post and NOT comment.

    Whilst I’m anal (no pun intended, even though we’re not talking about proctologists here) about how my feet smell…I never ever have given any consideration to how they look!

    And reading through some of these past comments, such as, “cleavage cottage cheese” had me both gagging and laughing.

    Reply
  21. Melynda 21

    Great gab!

    Reply
  22. Kassandra 22

    I hate being left hanging. Who tells half the joke and then says, “Oh, I can’t tell you the rest. You can’t handle it.”

    Get on with it!

    Reply
  23. Breast-jam? Now I’ve heard everything.

    Oh, those stirrups… Just terrible.

    Reply
  24. krysta 24

    i had a ob/gyn appointment yesterday and all I could think about was this post.

    Reply
  25. pandora 25

    Hehe, hilarious post! Thanks, had a good laugh.

    Reply
  26. Isa 26

    Breast sludge?

    Disgusting. Don’t you people SHOWER?

    Reply

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